Has it Been 5 Years Already, Brisan?

Brisan, 5 years has felt like it has flown by! This time of year is so difficult because not only did you start your journey today, Parker has had his birthday and the same journey just a short 10 months after you. That grief is deep at the beginning of the year. It is very heightened.  Has it really been 5 years? So much life has transpired since then.

Being our last snow day of that March 3, 2014 school year, there are moments that we remember so much more in detail than others. The very next day for you, it was your homecoming to meet our King, Jesus in the early morning hours of March 4th. We can only hope you are living like a “King” in your own right being free of Niemann-Pick Type C. You are missed dearly my little Bubbas!

The void is a great chasm that having you and Parker no longer here has a piece of us feeling broken and empty. Because the cross has spoken, we are forgiven which gives us the opportunity to seek Him directly. I cannot put into words but my/ our hearts are broken into millions of little pieces but we get put back together by His love for us. Brisan, you are experiencing the ultimate promise. I can't wait until we get to be with you again. Duncan misses you, champ. You never had the chance to meet Rubee but I know she would have endeared you!

We stopped by to visit you and Parker a couple of days ago. The day we laid you to rest was like no other. A very surreal moment.


These moments aren't taught in preparation for burying your children and how to manage the weight of grievance it bares. We all are faced with non-seeming pivotal moments that in the midst of the battle you cannot see the impact of your decisions very clearly. It requires a faithfulness to lean on others that have our best interest in Jesus's name for our eternal souls and not be fooled by our earthly thinking.

I am thankful for all of our friends and family that have responded in love and kindness towards my family. People ask how we “get through it” and the simple answer is all of you praying and lifting us up to Jesus.

Walk By Faith – Jeremey Camp
I believe you when you would say
Your hand will guide my every way?
Will I receive the words you say
Every moment of every day?
Well I will walk by faith
Even when I cannot see
Well because this broken road
Prepares your will for me
Help me to win my endless fears
You've been so faithful for all my years
With one breath you make me new
Your grace covers all I do, yeah, yeah, yeah yeah yeah
……

4 Years Later, I Wonder What You Were Thinking

4 years today you took your last breath here but you went Home little buddy… Mr. Stinky… our very loved son, Mr. Parker! We went to bed this very night uttering the words “Did this really happen?”.

Every year we will commemorate you and Brisan. The same and similar words will be written and changed around some but ultimately they will have the same meaning… we are grieving and saddened that your life on earth was less than others. It is vey selfish of us to feel that way but I know you and Brisan are in a much better place that is promised to us (all of us). It is just hard to understand due to our earthly thinking.  We miss you.

I always wondered “What were you thinking?”. You both had this look in your eyes that were so “deep” with meaning… so intriguing. We just relished the moments accepting what they were but “what if” you could tell us more what you were thinking? How did you guys feel? What did you worry about? What were things you really liked when me and mom were guessing what you wanted?  What were your early dreams? What sports would you have played? What activities would you like to be apart of? The list really goes on and on….

Parker Thinking

No words or actions can ever be enough to relieve pain associated with the experience of losing you and Brisan. What a blessing to be able to be your parents… your dad.. .your earthly father.

Below is Parker getting “excited” at our old house. Such a ham-hock! Miss you guys!

I Love you. Words that mean more than all eight characters could ever convey.

youtube: {https://youtu.be/sNE4vKhwKFg}

Proverbs 18:10 The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous run into it and are safe.

13 Years Old Mr. Stinky!

Happy 13th Birthday, Parker! Every year we get to learn a little more about ourselves and what emotions pass through when it comes to your birthday. So many memories and so many “what if's” continually run through our minds as to which what life would be like with you and Brisan here.

You are missed beyond what words can describe and we fall short of accurately describing how we really feel. You and Brisan were so joyful and full of awesome happiness. We saw it in your eyes, your laughs, and your hugs.

I remember that smile that was full of orneriness and care free attitude…. just like little kids should be when growing up.

I Love You.

Have a heck of a party today! 

Happy 14th Birthday, Brisan!

Brisan on his Make A Wish trip June 2009

Brisan on his Make A Wish trip June 2009

Happy 14th Birthday, Brisan! Ohhhh Mr. Bubbas! This is your 5th birthday celebrating your big day while you are in heaven. We hope you are having a big ol' party up there! Have you pushed your brother down the stairs again? Have you tried to tramp him in the clothes basket like you did Duncan? 🙂

Some have told us that these days would get easier as time goes on but really we just remember all the things that we are missing out on. Your presence brought us so much laughter and joy that our family just isn't the same without you or Parker here.

We will celebrate you today with a little “cacoons” at our favorite Chinese place! Our hearts will be heavy for you, son. We love you! We miss you immensely!

A couple weeks ago at church as we are studying Romans… we looked at what the message of Romans 8:28 WAS NOT.

Romans 8:28 – And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[a] have been called according to his purpose.

  • It doesn't mean all things that happen are good.
  • It doesn't mean God causes all things, including bad things, to happen to you.
  • It doesn't mean all things work out the way you want.
  • It doesn't mean everything is going to work out for everybody eventually.
  • It doesn't mean we can live any way we choose and God will fix our messes.

He will never allow a pain to be wasted in your life. All the pain and suffering will turn out for something good in the life of his kids.

All we have is hope. Keep smiling.

Brisan-Daddy-2-22-12

10 Years Ago Today We Received The News

Today marks 10 years when we received the devastating news about Brisan confirming the Niemann-Pick Type C diagnosis. Shortly after, a handful of weeks later, Parker was confirmed as well. That day was so sad because we drove to the hospital and learned that our sweet boy(s) were never going to have a full life but an abbreviated one. One that was going to be filled with much heartache and devastation due to the cruelness of this horrible disease. Little did we know what was truly ahead…

To watch your sons slip away from all the things you and I take for granted health wise was quite life altering. It has ran deep in multiple directions over the course of the past 10 years and will continue to cut deep for many more. Wounds that are not healed by time but by the grace of God shouldering that burden that has left our family so riddled with deep sorrow.

Brisan and Parker, me and mommy Love You! You were such incredible young men with awesome personalities. You gave us so much joy and a passion to love you even more unconditionally.

We miss you. 🙁

Jennifer with Brisan and Parker

 

4 Years Has Gone By Fast

Today marks 4 years at 1:55 am since you went to heaven, Bubbas. I feel we will write similar messages every year on your anniversary of your physical passing. Your joyful spirit and curious gestures were always something me and Mom reflect upon and cherish. You always had to have a finger or two in your mouth at all times!

We would say this was the hardest day of our life up until that point. It was so very much “not real” because we never left you at the hospital by yourself. Me or Mom were always there to be right by your side. Reflecting back to the day before on March 3rd, we could have never imagined this is what your homecoming would have looked like. Your passing was glorious in one right to the promises God has given us but it also invited a void that reality swept in and kicked us right in the teeth to learn how to cope without you here. It is an ongoing battle of grieving.

We all miss you and Parker dearly Brisan! I know Duncan sure does as well. I know you didn't get a chance to meet Rubee but we know she would have endeared you.

For all the things that we “dreamed” for your life here on earth, you showed us that we could love unconditionally that no one can just script.

I recall as I stood next to you on that hospital bed after you took your last breath, holding your hand, and crying looking upward towards heaven…. it felt so real. I felt you run up by my side and give me a big hug… a kind that I had to throw my right elbow up and over you so I could embrace you as back. Then you “ran” off like you were going to play. You had the biggest smile on your face… the kind that we so much remember before NPC took that away. It was so real feeling.

Me and Mommy love you.

Jennifer with Brisan and Parker

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